|It's the most wonderful time of the year.
||[01 Mar 2006|03:09pm]
The decision to go back to school has been made.
This time I won't be influenced by family, friends or money.
I will be doing this for me.
I have been researching different courses and I have narrowed it down to a couple.
I won't share until I'm %100 sure.
Otherwise I will jinx it.
I'm feeling really good about this.
You should be too!
|I see now that I use this a means to vent my frustrations more than anything.
||[28 Feb 2006|11:19am]
Have you ever wanted to scream really loudly and pull at your hair?
I do.I do.I do.
I can't help but stop and wonder sometimes...where is my life going?
Where do I want it to go?
How am I supposed to make a decision like that, when I can't decide on what to eat for breakfast?
I am strong believer that everything happens for a reason.
But I'm beginning to seriously wonder. what's the point of caring what happens.
It never happens the way you think or want. or maybe it's just me.
It's funny how it can all fall apart.
It's funny how much one can feel lost.alone.scared.
Tugging at my heartstrings.
Pity parties are the worst kind for the moral.
|This everchanging life...
||[23 Feb 2006|11:35am]
"in the face of change
is when she turned to me and said,
i'm not sure anymore...
and there amidst the waves
and the cloudless skies
that blanket the year before
i watch my life wash ashore"
So Andrew and I have called it quits. It all went down on Valentines day. I'm sad, I didn't leave the apartment for 3 days last week. We were moving too fast. It's easy to get swept up and away. I will forever be weary now.
"have you ever been a part of something
that you thought would never end?
and then of course it did
have you ever felt the weight inside you
pulling away inside your skin?
and then something had to give"
We are still sharing the apartment. We have six months left on the lease. I wish I would have seen this coming 6 months ago, before we signed on the dotted line. Things change. There's no stopping it. Life will happen.
"now the lines are drawn
is this feeling gone?
the best parts of this have come and gone
and now that is all this is
with the reasons clear
we'll spend another year
without direction, full of fear
but now things will be different"
I have this feeling of calmness about it. I am still confused about it all. I'm struggling with the fact that I am not sure if I'm feeling ok with this because we have been through so much and I love him dearly and I have this feeling that things will work out between us, or if I feel ok because I am ok with the situation at this present time. Who knows. These are all things I will discuss with the therapist tomorrow.
"there's nothing simple when it comes to you and i
always something in this everchanging life
and it probably always will
now that time is getting harder to come by
the same arguments are always on our mind
we've killed this slowly fading light"
We have both agreed that things have become too "comfortable" which can be scary. I mean we are young and have our entire lives ahead of us. Can this be it? Are we supposed to be together or were we simply meant to cross paths?
"now something has kept me here too long
and you can't leave me if i'm already gone"
I love him, he loves me. We just aren't sure anymore.
"make the same mistakes we're always hanging on
break the promises we're always leaning on
all this time spent waking up
(now i) keep this line open to get this call from you
(as you) speak the words that keep me coming back to you
now this time it's all different
now something has kept me here too long and now i'm gone..."
|I'm still around...
||[30 Jan 2006|02:08pm]
Things have been going well for me.
Settling in with couplehood quite nicely. I do have to admit it has been hard. This is the first time I've moved in with a boyfriend and there have been some pretty tense arguments but we are both learning, and enjoying ourselves.
I swear, the real life lessons come once you've moved out on your own, which is obvious to me now but back then when I was 18 and waving goodbye to my parents I thought I was ready. HAH.
In the past 4 years, I have learned so much, about life, money, roommates, friends, boys, but mostly about me. What I am about, what I want, what I need, what's good for me and what's not. Although I am the first to admit that I am still learning and will most likely still be learning until the day I die.
I totally understand the meaning of the phrase "life lessons" now. Life is too short to get caught up with the small stuff. I've learned to enjoy the now and not worry about the laters so much.
I saw an old friend on the bus the other day. I wanted to say hi. But I let my fears get the best of me. I wonder even if she would have talked to me. It makes me want to cry when I think about it...
Enough with the heavy stuff.
I am now working downtown and loving my new job. I work for Transport Canada and I have to say this is the most interesting work I've been part of thus far. We are really doing some good things for the Federal Governement. Which is so very fullfilling to me.
Home life is great as well. Cheeky is doing so well, he's become the dominant male in the house. It's so funny. When he was younger he never really cared, was a really laid back Chihuahua but now, he has to follow us everywhere. As soon as Andrew leaves for work Cheeky turns into the little guard and won't sleep but watch the door until Andrew gets home then he relaxes and goes back to sleep. It's nice to have a little animal love you so much that they will lose sleep for you. His little kitchen accident has healed completely. He does have scars on his face, nothing grotesque or anything just tiny little markings that only we notice because we know they are there. He hasn't learned his lesson though, as soon as we go into the kitchen he tries to follow but we have strict rules now. I have noticed that when we are cooking bacon, or anything that sizzles, he won't come near the kitchen, at least he's got the half of it.
Miss Kitty is also doing well. She has settled in quite nicely and now we can't imagine what it was like before she came along. She is just a tad bigger then Cheeky, it took them a while to warm up to each other but they are tight now. She's very good at hiding when she wants to but Cheeky is very good at finding when we ask him to.
FIND THE KITTY CHEEKY....haha.
Leanne had a girls night a couple of weeks ago, and we had a blast. Everybody came, Lori, Lindsay, Chelsea, Megan, Andrea....I feel like I am forgetting someone. If so...OOPS SORRY. And you will get a special HOLLA in my next entry.
I love Ellen!
|Home for the Holidays
||[22 Dec 2005|01:16pm]
First things first
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone
This year we are going home to Russell for Christmas. Dinner at my family's on Christmas eve and Christmas morning with my parents, then it's off to his aunt and uncle's place for Christmas dinner. The thing I am most looking forward to, other then seeing family, is having the 26th and 27th off. Laundry here I come! Heh.
Andrew's brother will be hosting New Years eve, another massive party this year. Last year I only caught the tail end because I was spending it with friends, or so I thought they were friends. It's going to be better this year.
I plan on actually making and following my New Years resolutions this year, they are as follows:
-Take control of my financial life
-Continue with my amazing weight loss (20lbs away from my ultimate goal!!!)
-Continue with my self transformation (as a person)
We'll see how it goes. I'm good at sticking to my word.
Tonight we are going tattoo shopping. It's time for some new ink.
|Bubble of Existence
||[28 Nov 2005|12:03pm]
Brand spankin new.
Time for new things, time for change.
I love how good something feels when it's new -- fresh -- full of possibilities.
I figure I should start from scratch....seeing as how this is a new journal and I plan on treating it as such.
I felt that I couldn't post in my last journal, I felt as though I was being watched by the old friends circle that I no longer run with.
Things ended on a sour note and I would like to leave that part of my past, exactly that, the past.
So onward and upward!
First I would like to introduce you to my life.
I am a contract worker, most of my contracts are with the federal government. It's a dull life but I am working on making a change there as well.
Baby steps people, baby steps.
I live in Ottawa with the loves of my life which ( areCollapse )
I spend a lot of time finding cool things and using them to decorate our apartment.
We are also huge poker players, mainly Texas Hold'em.
My house is always full of people which makes for an interesting time. Always something going on.
Our car was recently broken in an accident so we are slowly getting used to riding the bright red and white limos...a.k.a. OC transpo.
The plan is to take our time fixing the car over the winter and the goal is to have her back on the road in time for summer and ROAD TRIPS!
My absolute favorite band of all time is Rise Against. I love them, I love their music but mainly I love what they are about.
I saw them live once, in Ottawa at Capitol City and it was the best live show I've ever been to, hands down.
I've been waiting in anticipation for their return ever since!
So that's it. My little life in a nutshell.